Category Archives: housewife

My Pregnant Life

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Let’s talk about what people think of when they hear the term “bed rest.”

1.  Lazing around all day, uninterrupted.
2.  People to wait on you and bring you food.
3.  Not having to run any errands or take care of any domestic activities.
4.  Getting out of work for awhile.
5.  Time away from existing children who run around the house, screaming.
6.  A fancy-free vacation for the last bit of pregnancy.
7.  A time where your husband/boyfriend/SO/whatever will bring you things that you need to keep you entertained.
8.  A bunch of free time where you can catch up on reading and trashy television.
9.  A time when you have the ability to nap any time you want.
10. In general, a total holiday at which you will look upon fondly later in life, longing to have it happen again.

Now let’s talk about what bed rest actually is, because this seems to be a common misconception.

1.  Being prisoner to a bed…24 hours a day…no questions asked.
2.  You have to rely on others for everything, including something as simple as water.  That means you have to call a nurse, wait for them to finish with other patients, and then wait for them to get you whatever you need.
3.  Not being able to get out of bed, even for something as simple as getting the mail.  You start to miss doing housework after about two days of bed rest.
4.  Getting out of work/school for awhile.  Yes, this is a novelty for a hot minute; however, most people don’t understand exactly how boring this gets.
5.  Even if they scream 24 hours a day, you WILL start to miss your children.  I don’t have any existing children…and I’m actually starting to miss the noise of screaming drunk kids on campus.
6.  The whole “vacation” mentality lasts for about 48 hours.  After that, having to stay in bed all the time is a pain in the ass…not only figuratively, but literally as well.  You will develop a soreness that is indescribable, starting around day five.  It will momentarily get better, only to become excruciating around day 15…and you can’t do anything to make it go away.
7.  Having your husband/boyfriend/SO/whatever bring you things is somewhat entertaining…for a day.  After that you get pissed that (a) you can’t do it for yourself, (b) you have to ask for everything, one item at a time, describe where it may or may not be located, and have it brought to you.  This is the most inefficient way of doing things.  Ever.
8.  The reading is fantastic…for a week.  What you don’t understand is that when you lie down in basically one position for that long, you get excruciating headaches from all of the fluid collecting in one spot of your head.  This makes reading painful, if possible at all.  Also, unless you have unlimited funds, you will run out of books in a week if you read any faster than the speed of an eight year old.
9.  Yes, you have the ability to nap any time you want.  Unfortunately, after a couple days, you don’t *want* to anymore.  If the only thing you can do is nap, napping loses its luster very quickly.  Also, the more you nap, the more tired you are, and the more it throws off your circadian rhythms, making it so you’re barely aware of where you are and what day it is.
10. There is one good thing that will come out of this: a healthy baby.  Other than that, you will not look back fondly on bed rest.  You will not long to be on bed rest again.  Being on bed rest is the same thing as being an invalid, and anyone who wishes for that has a few screws loose (or Munchausen).

So here is my clarification: when most people hear the term “bed rest,” what they actually hear is “being lazy for the day.”  Almost everyone can remember a time when they got sick and were “in bed for a week.”  But you weren’t actually IN BED for the week, were you?  You got up to go to the bathroom, take showers, walk to the kitchen for some juice or food, walk to the living room to watch television, go take a bath…in fact, if you weren’t a young child when this happened, you probably even drove to WalGreens to pick up some TheraFlu or cough drops.  THAT is not bed rest.  That is being sick and/or lazy for the week.

Sure, after I have the baby I might miss being able to take a nap and spend the afternoon watching Law & Order; however, I will NEVER miss being a prisoner in a bed where I have to rely on everyone else for everything I need.  After I get out of here, you can pretty much bet that I’ll be one of the most active people on the planet.

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My Week on Bed Rest

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After spending a week on modified bed rest (read: lying down most of the time), I thought I would write a blog about what I have done to pass the time.

I’ve spent quite a bit of time meditating, doing homework, and napping.  Most of the time, I don’t nap on purpose; however, many people don’t understand that the longer you lie down, the more tired you get.  What does that mean?  I nap for eight to ten hours a day and am still exhausted at the end of that!  Additionally, I’ve been having fun feeling Spaceman move around, and I’m at the point where I can start to see my belly moving when he kicks.  That alone can entertain me for hours.  At some point though, I have to find something else to do…and that’s where the trashy television has come into play.  I will go out on a limb and say that more often than not, daytime television programming is all trashy reality shows.  Some of them are just painful to watch.  Others, though, are so painful that you can’t turn them off.  I will talk a little about those…

What Not to Wear

This show is not trashy in itself, but the people who are on the show are just painful to watch.  If you haven’t seen this show before, people nominate someone in their life who is an exceptionally bad dresser.  Most of the people who go on this show are constantly dressed in pajamas, scrubs, clothes that are 40 sizes to big, or clothes that are 40 sizes to small.  Occasionally they have people on the show who are 50 years old and share clothes with their nine year old children.  I’m currently watching an episode where a 46 year old woman dresses like her seven year old daughter because “dressing like a grown up means you’re old and going to die.”  Crazy.  Anyway, this is a show that is painful to watch the people who are on it; however, I like to watch it to see how they turn out at the end.  That being said, I fully realize that the majority of the time I dress in yoga pants and some sort of long sleeved shirt; however, the difference is that I understand that and don’t think that I look amazing.  Also, while pregnant, this is the easiest thing for me to wear without going out and spending $500 on new clothes.  (side note: more stores need to carry maternity clothes…not just online.  PREGNANT WOMEN NEED TO TRY ON CLOTHES IN THE STORE!!!)

Toddlers & Tiaras

This is TRULY a painful show to watch.  It’s like a train wreck.  The children are horrendous, the mothers are RIDICULOUS, and once it’s on, I can’t turn it off.  This show follows around toddler beauty pageant contestants and [generally] their mothers.  These are mothers that take their children (usually daughters) to do things like spray tan, get waxed, get fake teeth (flippers), and spend upwards of $1000 per outfit in order for them to compete in glitz pageants.  Apparently the most cut-throat divisions in these pageants are the 4-5 age group and the 6-8 age group (or something like that).  These little girls (and their mothers) are one short step away from pulling a Tonya Harding at every pageant.  Just in case you haven’t seen this show, here is a clip of one of the girls who is frequently followed.  And yes, she’s almost five years old and flipping out about her pacifier (Ni-Ni).

Police Women of Broward County

This is actually somewhat entertaining (at least to me).  It’s a show that follows around the female police officers of Broward County, a la COPS.  The train wreck part of the show deals with the people who are being arrested.  Many of these people are…well…not the brightest crayons in the box.  My favorite quote of last week occurred when a female drug dealer was being arrested.  The officer was patting her down, and out of her bra falls some weed.  The dealer said, “oh, that’s not mine.  It’s windy out here…it must have blown in there.”  Okay really?  How windy does it have to be for weed to blow into your bra?  Also, this statement wouldn’t have been *quite* as heinous, if the weed that fell out of her bra hadn’t been SEVENTEEN PREPACKAGED quarter-ounce bags.  I mean…really?  17 quarter bags blew into your bra?  WOW.  If you’re going to lie to the police, at least make up something that MIGHT be plausible (although in that situation, there really isn’t a good lie short of alien abduction, which is only believable if you live in New Mexico).

Okay, so that has basically been my week.  Fortunately, most of the programming has been so terrible that I have finished most of my homework for the next five weeks.  Yep, motivated to do homework when nothing is on television!

Clown Cars and Music Theory

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After I wrote my first blog about our new church (“Amalgamate”) I received a few “concerned” emails.  These emails expressed what boils down to a fear for my eternal soul.  Apparently the church that we’re attending is “too accepting,” and according to these people, that is a problem.  How funny that a church where they actually act the way Jesus did is the “wrong type” of church.  Go figure.  That being said, I was reminded by a friend of a bumper sticker that says “God Loves Everyone–No Exceptions.”  I found that somewhat humorous in light of the current situation.  I was told that we shouldn’t pick a church because we agree with their “opinions” (I put that in quotes because that it what the email said).  Well…at least to me, agreeing with the message seems to be an important criterion.  Maybe I’m crazy, but I wouldn’t pick a church where I don’t agree with anything they say–that would just be stupid.

Fast forward to my most recent blog about the theory papers that I wrote.  A seemingly non-religious subject: music theory.  I have been informed that I am wrong…through more emails.  What I gathered from the majority of these emails is that college was a time for me to get all of that pesky independence out of my system and meet a husband.  Apparently I was supposed to be spending thousands of dollars on tuition in order to get an M.R.S. degree.  I thought these people had met me before, but I’m guessing they never paid any attention to my actual personality.  According to most of them, this music theory business is just the inevitable next step of Satan trying to get his hooks in me (their words, not mine).  The first step was us going to this church that is “so focused on accepting everyone and all that diversity nonsense.”  Still not grasping the connection between the two subjects at all, but whatever.  Many of them told me that now that I’m 30, it’s time for me to settle down with this “school nonsense,” be a “good housewife,” and focus on having lots of babies.  Wow.  Who knew that it was supposed to happen like that?  We won’t even go into the “focus on having babies” part, as I might have a little [precedented] explosion…you know, like the kind you have when inadvertently provoked in the middle of some random store amongst unknowing people…yeah, that kind.

Needless to say, I deleted quite a few people from my Facebook friends list in the past couple days.  I’m sorry if they think that the church we love is evil, just because they don’t preach all the fire and brimstone nonsense and they actually accept everyone.  I’m sorry if they think that I should become a “good housewife” and settle in to spend the rest of my child-bearing years cranking them out like a clown car.  But more than anything, I’m sorry that they don’t grasp the actual concept of the religion they claim to practice.  Social justice, environmentalism, equal rights, activism, helping those in need…I’m pretty sure these are foreign concepts to most of these people…and I’m willing to put money on the fact that they won’t ever want to learn about them.

Just a random observation from the world of feminist, educated, logical, socially conscious Lauren.